What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
