my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
