Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
