operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
