My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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