I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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