Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
