woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
