Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
