i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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