the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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