Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
