i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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