Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize