Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
