pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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