i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
