DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
