I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
