I cockslap morals
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She announced her abortion via fbk
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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