A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
