Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
