I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
