Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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