i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize