bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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