Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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