I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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