I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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