for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize