I could make wine with my vomit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
splinters make it hard to masturbate
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
