I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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