I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
