I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize