I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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