this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
