because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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