I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize