is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
is wine microwaveable?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
