My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
