i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
