I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
