i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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