Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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