I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They are going to name an STD after you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
