I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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