Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
