I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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