Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
