Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
