i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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