hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
