Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
