Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
