i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
