Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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