WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
