I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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