I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
