We're facebook friends in real life
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I am naked and annoyed.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
