I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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