did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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