Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
