I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
